it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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