Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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