I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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