why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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