I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
