I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
