For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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