Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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