When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm like, not good at living.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
