True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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