I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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