Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
home. puking in laundry basket.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
