Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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