she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
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