he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
