My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
