I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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