she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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