in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My liver just had a heart attack.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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