I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
