People in love make me want to vomit
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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