great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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