He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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