You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
