overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
