are you so shy because you have an std?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
