I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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