I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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