I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
