Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
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