Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
