i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
My life is pants optional.
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