He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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