flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I think a kid would responsible me up
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
