She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
