Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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