If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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