someone threw a dead crab at me
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
