Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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