she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
