I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
