I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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