Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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