Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
