I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
