You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
