I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
