It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
