I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
