I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
