i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
