hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
