I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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