you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
