my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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